- Don't buy any more sleeveless t-shirts. Any man over the age of 19 should not be wearing these. It's a well-documented fact that armpit hair never stops growing.
- Quit leaving prints on the glass door and don't blame the granddaughter. No five-year-old has hands the size of hams.
- Five pairs of dirty underwear on the floor by the bed. Deal with it.
- Quit eating in the bathroom. I have better things to do when sitting there than pick cracker crumbs out of the rug.
- Don't clip your toenails in the living room and throw them behind the couch. Go outside on the deck like I do.
- You have too many t-shirts. When you get a new one and you probably will in the next 48 hours get rid of an old one.
- I read frequently that owning a dog reduces blood pressure and other health risks. Considering those extra pounds you are carrying a dog might save your life.
- Got your note that says, I don't have to cook for you tonight. I don't have to cook for you any night.
- Pick up bag of flour at the store. Pillsbury enriched unbleached flour, five pounds. That's all you need to know. Do not call me from the store using some stranger's cell to ask a lot of questions on this one simple purchase.
- Get a cell phone.
- We're getting a dog. This is not a point for discussion, this is an announcement.
- You seem to think because you do the laundry in this house you really work hard. You're retired, I'm semi, how much clothing can that be and it is not unusual for me to wear a dress all day, use it for my nightgown that night and wear it again the next day.
- There are winged insects flying out of our cupboard. This is probably due to the box of peaches and cream instant oatmeal you have had on the top shelf for three years.
- You are not allergic to dogs. You're just saying that because you don't want one. I insist on a certified letter from an allergist proclaiming this to be medical fact before I change my mind.
- Quit eating in the bathroom, in fact quit eating snacks altogether. You need to lose weight. You don't listen to me, you don't listen to your doctor, who will you listen to? The cardiac surgeon who visits you in the ER?
- You're lucky I married you. Your mother felt the same way, God bless her.
Disclaimer: in all actuality this is fiction except for the eating in the bathroom post-its. They and their content are indeed factual and correct. It has cost me lots of sleep and encouraged my already ample liquor dependency. Okay, the sleeveless t-shirt has some credibility as well.
*with love and respect to the fabulously talented Jenny Lawson and her book, Let's Pretend This Never Happened