Wednesday, January 9, 2013

full on the lips

Drat. One more Christmas party and my husband's family just can't get enough of each other and taco bean dip.  Big Dave is packing up his bedroom slippers and I'm wondering how long he plans on staying.

In an unusual display of self confidence I decide to bring a new recipe to the par-tee without a trial run.  Flour tortillas topped with cream cheese, dried cranberries, green onions and feta cheese. I can't even imagine how this will taste but Susan tells me "it's pretty and Christmasy and people will love it and want the recipe."  And this is all I want.  People chewing my food and moaning and their eyes roll up into their heads and they go scurrying for pencil and paper to write the magic formula down. I roll the tortillas up and slice them and the sad lopsided circles look like they're embedded with dead flies.

 At my sister's-in-law I plop my sad-looking plate next to a chocolate covered German chocolate cake and the frosting consists of Baker's chocolate squares, corn syrup and buttermilk.  Good lord, don't these people read health magazines? It looks like a huge brown top hat because the frosting flowed down the sides and pooled around the bottom several inches from the cake. But the thing is disappearing quickly slice by slice and only two pinwheels are missing from my plate and I think I saw half of one in the sink.

My technique for dealing with overly zealous and talkative in-laws is to drink large amounts of alcohol quickly and quietly and I find a bottle of dry red wine that will suit my purposes.. And then I am hugging a lot of people and actually enjoying it and this is when I realize I am losing my identity and my inhibitions to the wine which had been the plan all along.

The next morning my head feels like it's full of tightly balled-up socks. And the phone rings, curses, and Big Dave is home and it will be answered. He hands the thing to me and it's his niece asking when she could drop off the $240 cleansing and diet program I purchased last evening.  "And my Dad is still wondering why you kissed him but he would do it again" she adds.  I could use a good cleanse right about now. 


Arizaphale said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh my! I am not sure which part of this post I relate to the most...the sad recipe which no-one eats or the balled up socks in my head!For both of these reasons I have announced to my friends/work colleagues/boss that I would sooner make a contribution to their building fund than 'bring a plate' to a party. Good luck with the de-tox.

Arizaphale said...

Just to clarify is my recipes which are usually sad...I bet the pinwheels tasted great. Hey, feta, cranberries......what's not to love????

dawn marie giegerich said...

No clarification necessary. I knew exactly what I was getting into and I was going to a party where no one has tried a new recipe since 1966, so good luck with the feta cheese. I can see why you married a man with cooking abilities. Smart move, cookie!

Arizaphale said...