Lynard Skynard is coming to town and Crazy Tom is planning a pre-party for the occasion. I remember the last time I heard these guys. It was a small county fair and REO Speedwagon was sharing the ticket. You could not find two more diverse bands. The REO's are tiny little fellows like the oompa-loompas only thinner with highlighted puffy 80's hair. They are dressed in immaculate white jump suits with sequins and when the sun shines it is like the clouds opening and celestial angels have descended to the stage.
The Skynard boys stride on stage all dressed in devil black, high-heeled boots and long leather trench coats, greasy hair tumbling down their backs, matted beards and you know remnants of their chicken-fried steak dinners are stuck in there somewhere. They smoked and belched down bottles of Jack Daniels and never offered any to the audience. They resonate pure evil and unhealthy lifestyles.
The guy sitting in front of us is wearing an armless t-shirt and I try not to look at his dangling pit hair and he penned something on the back. I don't remember but it was the worse thing I ever read on a t-shirt and it had something to do with the smell of tuna fish. He was loud and stupid and had difficulty remaining upright and I could feel Big Dave's growing irritation as we tried to watch the show and I prayed my guy would keep his views to himself but that was not meant to be.
Now Himself has always lived in a white bread Catholic Republican society where everyone followed the rules and dental check-ups were routinely kept. But the buffoons in front of us are from a different neighborhood and my years at government welfare offices taught me you don't mess with these boys in their own territory. Dave never learned this lesson and next thing I know tuna guy has him by the neck and I'm thinking we're all gonna die. I put my old lady body between tuna guy and spouse and hold my breath and the moron lets go. We are quiet church mice for the rest of the show.
Tom, I will come and drink your cheap beer and then I will go home and lock the door. The boys are back in town.